A Psychoanalysis of the Brady Bunch
by Tommy Kirchhoff

Case #1 - Due to the stress of his impotence and his architectural career, Mike alleviates his melancholic state with alcoholism and a cocaine addiction. I have given him a prescription for Prozac and suggested that he does something physical a few times a week, like big game poaching or jai-a-lai.

Case #2 - Carol spoke of a dream of mangling baby ducks with a rock rake. From this I have discovered a repression neurosis of reaction formation. She holds an unconscious hostility expressed in the form of exaggerated tenderness. I have hypnotically labeled that response to dislike sharp and bladed objects, and told her to allow the maid to carryout most of the child disciplining.

Case #3 - In Greg's exaggerated attempts to seem "cool" with his peers, he displays obsessive compulsive behavior marked by chauvinism, smoking and alcohol abuse. When he claimed a girl couldn't drive a car as well as a man, I just smacked him around a little. It sure made me feel better.

Case #4 - I have been trying to get Marsha to cut her hair, take off the rose-colored glasses and come down a little. She's a glamour seeker. Her belief that her beauty and interpersonal skills will carry her to stardom are possible, but pompous behavior like that can only lead to rollercoaster affairs and manic depression. I want her though.

Case #5 - At 13, Peter's phallic name and his pubescence have put him squarely into a disturbing Freudian Oedipus complex. His frequent "handling" of his... well... he has personal problems secondary to his will to "kill father," and bed his mother. I think it's humorous, but I told him he'd soon go blind. Ha, ha, ha.

Case #6 - Jan is a freak. Neurosis Ultimas. I'm concentrating primarily on her ugly duckling complex with false compliments and "hope for the future." When Jan and I have session, I just want to pull out the .357 and do one of us! (Save the other!)

Case #7 - Bobby's a "little man." He's uncoordinated, sort of goofy, and always the last to get picked for basketball. Hence, a solid Adlerian Napoleonic complex. Bobby's teen years will be difficult, but I reassure him that success is his destiny. I bought him a Playboy and told him to read it cover to cover, and ignore the pictures. That should be a good start.

Case #8 - Cindy is a clear case of Plavlovian classic conditioning. She lisps in unconscious attempt to receive attention. What can you tell an eight-year-old girl about her neurosis? "Stop it, dammit!"

Case #9 - Alice is a vamptress, sex addict, sadomasochist. Her delusion of male, sexual prowess is materialized in a "meat guy." The dreams she spoke of were disturbing as well as exciting. I couldn't help myself but jump her on the clinic couch. Wow.

Case #10 - Sam. He's pretty dumb.